Gratitude List...

• Today I am grateful to wake up and have my family with me.  
• I am grateful to have my health.
• Today I am grateful to know there are ALWAYS options.  
• I adore my husband and child.

LIFE IS GOOD BABY!

Christmas

I love Christmas.  Last year we were doing renovations so we never decorated and it felt like we didn't celebrate because of that.  So this year I have already started.  I know it is early but I needed some good cheer in the house.  I love Santa and have a small collection of some cool ones.  I think this one from Jim Shore is pretty cool and I just might have to add it to the co-lec-zion. It just makes me happy when I look at it.  :) 

I am also hoping we have some white for Christmas.  Nobody else wants to be bothered with the snow but I love it.  It is just so beautiful when everything has a blanket of white.

I Had A Moment

In yoga class today I had a really "happy" moment.  At the end of class when the lights get dimmed and we lay in corpse pose resting I got a really cool eh uh um vision?  Maybe it was a feeling?  Whatever it was it tickled me, made me smile almost as if I was watching a small child laugh and play.  It seemed like a white light with a big smile on it only I could not really make out the smile it was intuitive.  STRANGE I know but hey I will take it.  It was my "happy" moment.  A connection to my own inner child?  A connection with a power greater than myself?  Positive energy looking me in the eye with joy. 

Without sobriety I would never experience anything close to this.  Thanks HP!

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Inner Struggles

One of the great gifts of sobriety for me has been "getting a life." Today my life is so full. A good full. Filled with recovery, family, creativity, friends, community, explorations and more. What also comes with this is service. In each area of my life service is the ulitimate objective. It can be very subtle things like bringing cookies to the neighborhood block party or more obvious like picking up the phone to call someone who is struggling. The service aspect, for me, is what makes it all so good.

That said (this is when the inner struggle comes in)... I so desperately need to take the time to fill up again. I am of no use to anyone if my glass is empty. So it comes to forcing myself to let some things go in order to get some chill time for me. I don't know if it is a woman thing, a mommy thing or a human thing but I get such guilt because there is so much to do. So I take the time in spite of my guilty feelings because I have been told by doctors, my sponsor, friends and books that I need to do this. It always turns out OK but there is that little voice in the back of my head saying "don't just sit around watching movies! there are things that need to be done!"

A friend of mine once told me to say "thanks for sharing" and move on. So like many other areas of my life that I still struggle with I take the action and turn it over. Maybe some day I will actually HAVE EVERYTHING DONE! Until then things can wait a few hours and my inner struggles will have to get over it.

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PLEASE HELP SAVE A LIFE!

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Positive Affirmations

During my meditation this morning I read from The Secret. I have to share with you this part...

"All stress begins with one negative thought. One thought that went unchecked, and then more thoughts came and more, until stress manifested. The effect is stress, but the cause was negative thinking, and it all began with one little negative thought. No matter what you might have manifested, you can change it... with one small positive thought and then another." The Secret p. 127

So I continued my meditation with positive affirmations. "I am healthy, full of energy and focused." Over and over. I have sent my positive thoughts out to anyone open to receiving them. And as always I lit my candles for those who are still sick and suffering. May they receive all that I have to give.

Today I am grateful for the sun beaming in my office window. I am grateful I have become open and stay willing to learn. I am grateful for my sobriety. Most importantly I am always grateful for the AMAZING people in my life.

Sunday Morning Meditation

So the male unit was out at a early meeting and the child was still asleep and I was AWAKE. I have to first give a once over in the family room before I can meditate. Windex the coffee table, fluff the pillows and put away the throws. My next step is to lay out my yoga mat, get my GODpillow, meditation books and candles. Check, check and check. Now I make the tea. Sometimes green sometimes black sometimes herbal. Today was black. I sit, legs crossed and light my candles, three today. With each candle I say aloud a persons name. It has been the same two people for several years now and recently I have added a third. These names are of suffering alcoholics who can not seem to get sobriety. Prayer is the only way I know to help those who don't want help. So I light my candles and think healing thoughts towards each person. Now I sit. Only for a few moments to quiet myself. I read two meditations, sip some tea and sit again. Back straight, shoulders down, palms open and facing up, eyes closed and head pleading to the sky above. I sit.

My husband is home and as he approaches the house he barks. Yes he barks to get a response from our chocolate lab Lincoln. He does not know I am LOVING the silence. He does not even know I am awake. Serenity is shifted and as he enters the house and calls out to see who is up I quickly respond "I am meditating." He quiets himself down and the recentering starts. I sit awhile longer working now on a mantra. Ma-ra-na-tha. Ma-ra-na-tha. My legs become uncomfortable so I go to childs pose arms extended in front. It feels sooo good. The tension in my shoulders is felt and released. I stay in this position for awhile and recite the 7th Step prayer before going into downward dog. I walk the dog. Now back to cross legs and sitting. I am more comfortable now and can be still, at least physically. Mentally my brain swirls. Affirmations begin. I can with God's help. I can with God's help. I can with God's help. More sitting. More praying. More sitting. I wish I could stay here all day. As I come back to my day the list begins in my head. Fold a load of laundry, get a order ready, answer emails, getting ready for E's big 50 at 1:00.

I got some time in this morning. I CHERISH that time because it is so rare. Sobriety has given me a full life. A great life.

I am grateful for those quiet moments. I am grateful for my husbands humor. I am grateful to have spent the day surrounded by sober people and celebrating the life of my sister in law. SO GRATEFUL.....

Craving the Quiet

I am really so tired but don't want to go to sleep. I crave the quiet. This time of night is my only quiet. I mean no dog barking, no TV, no telephone, no radio, no chatter. The only sounds I hear are the air purifier humming and the click of the key board. It seems I need to process my day. My husband can go straight to sleep. My brain needs time to shut down. I can only get the quiet once the rest of the house is done. So I wait, every night, patiently for the quiet. Once it comes there is such calm. Peace. Ease. I can exhale deeply.

Today I am grateful for the 30 minutes I get to myself. I am grateful my days are full of chatter, it helps me appreciate the quiet all the more. I love the people in my life, from my babies to my family to my friends and my customers. They are all so special. I am grateful♥

My Lil Eddie Haskell

My son has had the privilege of growing up in a sober home. He has never seen his father or me drunk or high. He has never seen us smoke cigarettes, although he has seen pops with the occasional cigar. Yuck! He has grown up in the rooms of AA and attended Al-Ateen. He has the support of a great family counselor who thinks he's great and he feels the same about her.

Regardless of all these wonderful gifts he is still a teenage boy. Hormones in full force, he has all the answers and sucks at lying. It's hard for him to get away with anything coming from two parents who have been there and done that. We have no manual. We have a set of Steps we live and a church to guide us as a family. We pray hard and live hard. We say the same things over and over and hope some day it will kick in. Until this teenage childs brain is fully developed we have to vigilantly remember where we came from and how we were at 14. YIKES! No comparison. None.

So breathe in and breathe out. Pray hard and have gratitude he is ahead of where we were at 14, emotionally and spiritually at least.

Today I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for our support system. I am grateful for laughter and letting go.

Have You Read Step Ten?

This is the question I want to ask people whenever I hear them say "you may not like it but I will come to you and tell you the truth if you like it or not." I have heard this shared in meetings many times. A friend of mine with 16 years of sobriety had someone approach her and tell her she was going to drink. Then went into some of her character defects. My friend walked out of the meeting in tears. WOW! If I had that ability to tell you all who will drink and who won't. WOW! I would be really a very special person. WOW!

So when this happens I can of course take in to consideration what the person has to say. My gurl chose to look at the defects that were slammed in her face and take away what she could. I can also consider the source. If it is a friend I am all ears. I know they are truly trying to help. When it is someone who does not know me I always have to wonder, what IS the motive?

That is when I flash to Step Ten...

"We "constructively criticized" someone who needed it, when our real motives was to win a useless argument. Or, the person concerned not being present, we thought we were helping others to understand him, when in actuality our true motive was to feel superior by pulling him down. We sometimes hurt those we love because they need to be "taught a lesson," when we really want to punish. We were depresses and complained we felt bad, when in fact we were mainly asking for sympathy and attention. This off trait of mind and emotion, this perverse wish to hide a bad motive underneath a good one, permeates human affairs from top to bottom. This subtle and elusive kind of self-righteousness can underlie the smallest act or thought.

So as I actually practice this defect of character by writing this post it keeps me from at least approaching people and opening my BIG mouth. Restraint of tongue at least.

When I hear one of my friends was hurt I can not help that inner mama bear that seems to want to protect. It comes out and by the grace of God and the Steps I have learned to tame it. If however I get off the spiritual beam my actions will be just as bad as the one who attacked my friend. I am no better. I have to be the change I want to see. Keep my actions right and my mouth shut.

I am grateful for Step Ten. I am grateful for my sponsor. I am grateful I don't have to be perfect and neither do you!